Chapter 4 : Emptiness.

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As days passed by, I started to pack my belongings as I had to obey to the given notice, by you. Ironically.  As packing everything, I found our first picture together, and I felt the urge to rip it off. I knew I needed a new beginning, and I know that’s what you’ve done with our pictures, so why shouldn’t I? But tears bursted out and I just could not give up on another part of me, at least the memories will be there over the years.

As I finished packing, I noticed the way the flat looks. Empty, but full of memories. Remember how we  argued on how to set the living room?  Or about the way I am a little messy and you have to clean out behind me? Well, for a second I smiled, because our little fights were actually sweet. Two youths trying to live their crazy dream. HAHA sweet memories. The hired van is already waiting for me to transport my belongings, and all I have left is your watch and necklace, which you told me to leave on the kitchen counter.  At least I’m glad you wanted them,  they are the closest things from me, that you will have handy…

 I left. Empty. The dream was gone, but I guess life goes on. As I moved back to London, everything seemed to be back to normal. I started to eat and exactly when I started to think everything will be fine, my family faces another problem, and my mother is getting into a coma. What have I done? All the stress she has gone through, seeing be a disgrace of a person, a ghost of myself, someone that couldn’t see life like anything before.

For the first time in the past years, I felt alone. Had nobody beside me, not a shoulder to cry on. My friends started to notice, so they booked a holiday. At least they wanted me to be out of the town for a while. With my mother getting better, from the worst nightmare we could have lived, I decided that it was time for me to have some time for myself.

So in a second, I packed my staff and decided to leave for the adventure of my life. A holiday, abroad, by myself, as I met my friends in Spain. As I arrive at the airport, I check my Facebook memories, and guess what, three years ago, I was travelling from the same airport with you. Times flies doesn’t it? A lot can change in a blink of an eye I guess. But this time, the change was happening to me.

To be continued.

 

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You

You left me empty,

You left me cry

You never saw

The love in my eyes

Used me when you needed,

Used me while I cared,

Left me in a second,

I never felt so threatened.

Chapter 3 : The beginning of an end

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 Lost and confused about our status, I tried to make myself clear that our relationship deserves another chance. I somehow felt the need to try one more time.  I remember how hopeless I starred into your green eyes, trying to understand what  you can possibly think about me, about this situation. All I could notice was a cold-hearted person, that wanted  me out of his way.

Hurt, that’s what I’ve done. I left the living room, and went into our  bedroom, trying to hide my tears which dropped down half-way out. I tried to understand all your actions and I’ve analysed them with the maximum attention and criticism. Useless. As much as I wanted you to follow me, you just ignored and let me be. How can this change happen so sudden?

I asked you once more, if you want a serious conversation. I was already aware of your denial of facing the reality, I just wanted to have some peace with myself; a last hope that I tried . Is not like you could have seen all this efforts. And yet, I have tried, hoping for a better outcome.

Hours have passed and your relatives came to help you pack your stuff. At the end of the day, that was the main scope of this visit; you moving out. So, again, my happy mask was on, trying to hide every sign of suffering that was already settled on my face. My eyes were already tired and the dark circles made their presence more than visible.  Can you remember how difficult it was for us when we moved in? Can you remember that every piece of furniture, every little detail was built by us?  I doubt it.  We build everything together, and now you seek assistance to move out? Why not be a real man? Why not moving out  with a mature attitude? Is this too much for you? During the past period, you never wanted to sit down and properly discuss this situation. No, I did not wanted us to get back together. I only wanted you to take responsibility for this break-up, I wanted you to be able to explain  the reasons. In this way, I could have made peace with myself. I could have be over this break up easier, without having to ask myself every night what went wrong between us. Until now, you  only saw  your way out of this situation, without thinking that you may give up on someone that saw the perfect you, someone that loved you unconditionally.

We started to pack your stuff, and  I could barely hide my tears.  You may have asked me several times to stop crying. Who cared? Those were the moments when I showed my weakness. I have not done it to impress you. I have not done it to make you change your mind. I’ve done it for myself. I wanted my tears out, so I could breathe. This is something you will never understand, as you never cared. You never thought of anyone else but yourself. Always putting yourself first. Oh yes, you should always be the protected one. I’m not judging,  I just respect the way you are; I might be a bit jealous because I’m not as selfish as you are.  I always put other first, that’s why I suffer the most. I let me down, for the sake of others.

Packing, I imagined how easy this situation should be for you. Are your horizons now opening up? Is this separation  freedom for you ? So many unspoken questions, for  the fear of losing more than I  have already lost you. I looked into your eyes, and for the first time since I met you, I saw nothing. You looked empty, unreadable.

I suppose, that was the beginning to an end. Since that moment, I felt empty. Lost. Yes, you have been the one for me. You have been the one I opened up to, and I gave myself to you completely.   I thought we were eternal. I thought we will fight it ’till the end.  What a fool I’ve been to believe we are such a special couple. I guess we were only two youngsters, trying to understand how to love. Sadly,  we failed at that.

Shocked by how this visit happened, I tried to distance myself from you. Imagine how difficult it was for me. I watched you go, and I knew that was your last time in our house. The last time I watched you cooking, the last time I watched you sleep. The last time you held me into your arms… the last time for us.

To be continued…

Chapter 2 : When I saw you again

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I woke up the next day, knowing that I will finally  see you.  My last expectation was to persuade you to have a genuine discussion about your aims.What a fool I have been, as always, I thought you will be something that you never were;a man of his word, somebody that could at last assume liability . My mistake, as I thought you were a mature person. Off-base. You just acted like a little boy that takes his toys at the main bother. Can you imagine? That no matter how bad this pains me, I still believe you are the one? Crazy!

As the hours passed, I could feel my heart beating at a faster rate. I felt insecure about the most suitable approach, as my intention was to avoid any conflict. Still, I wanted you to know exactly how I felt, without showing my weakness in your eyes. I wanted you to remember me as a strong woman, undeceived. Wrong. The moment I saw your eyes, I felt the same shake under my feet. Uncontrollable. And yet, there I was, in front of you, hoping for another chance. Ironically, the reason of me begging for another chance, is still unknown.

You looked at me as you would look at a stranger. I guess that is what we were at the end of that evening. But there was hope. I invited you inside, as I smoked the last part of my cigarette, trying to avoid the tears showing up in front of you. My eyes were already red, and I know you were aware of me crying prior to your visit. I still hoped for me to have the mask of a strong woman on my face. Remember how I looked at you like that was the last time?  Do you remember how I tried not to kiss you the moment you came inside the house? Remember how tempted I was to hug you, just to feel your breath by my side again?  How could you remember  if you were cold-blooded?

I must have looked at you for about 10 minutes, until I tried to open a discussion,  about you, us. Unsuccessfully, you were at that point tired following a two hour drive, so I needed to surrender.Not to worry, it’s not like I could have slept on that night. You might forget, but after you decided to sleep into the guest room, I followed you two hours later, I wanted to feel wanted and loved by you…at least one more time. Ha, what a fool! I’m still wondering if you know what love is, if you know that your actions can hurt people alongside you.

I remember your words that night, they were meaningless. I starred at you and tried to see if that was another act of yours. What a good actor you have been. Remember I asked you to say it to my face you don’t love me? Why did you look away? Why did you lied? Was that part of your ego? Did that made you feel more like a man? Congratulations, it made you look like a professional actor, and I still believe the Oscar should go to you.  The person that played an important role in my life. The one I  slept next to that night and felt alone. I cherished every second next to you, every moment I wanted it to last forever. If there was a pill or a way to stop the time, I would have done it. Because that was the last time, I felt your warmth.

The moment you hugged me, I knew there are feelings left. However, something or someone made you do this. Why give up on someone you pretend to love? Because  you want me to ” find someone better? No way, I’m not a five-year old, that believes the ice-cream is better at the ice-truck than at the corner shop.  Stop pretending you are the mature one, can’t you see how childish you became?

I remember how I tried to not fall asleep, just to make every second matter. I remember how I woke up before you, just to be able to cry before you wake up. I needed time with myself, because from that moment on, I knew I was alone. I knew something changed, even if the reason remained unknown. I must have sat at the dinning table for about 20 minutes, trying to remember the previous night. Trying to find excuses for your attitude. Was is because of your work? Family pressure? Oh, maybe your university finals? It could have been anything. .What’s more, anything you would have stated, it could have been the best reason for this break-up. Rather, you chose to leave similarly as you came. Suddenly.

To be continued…

 

 

Chapter 1- First two weeks without you

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24th of June. The end of us, the beginning of my new life. The most difficult start I ever had to take, as I was forced to do it. I didn’t requested an existence without you. All I needed was us.  Six years and a half years later, I was left alone in our two bedroom flat. The only place I felt like home. Empty. Worthless. Cold. All that you could give me, was a text message, saying that ” it’s over, I’m moving out”.  No further explanations. My world ended with a text message, for a second I thought it was a joke, or a dare you had to do.  I was very wrong, it was the beginning of our end.

Days passed, I slowly became a ghost of myself. During the  first two weeks, my stomach rejected food, all I had was water. I’m not complaining, it’s just a good feeling to share how my days passed without you. Since you were not available to talk to me, I found my way out in drinking nights. Yes, I  drunk alcohol. A lot. Days have passed, and all I knew was related to alcohol, cigarettes, and your perfume, used as a room fragrance. Yes, I was addicted to it. And I know it’s unbelievable, anyone that knows me, would believe that is pure science fiction. Wrong. It was the new me, or that’s what I believed.  Slowly, I started to think about how easy this situation was for you. Did you called it freedom? ‘Cause it felt like a constant nightmare for me. Sleep, smoke, drink, repeat. For a almost two weeks. I used to ask myself what on earth I could have done wrong to deserve this, why me, why us? Was it the last fight we had? Was it just a phase? Was it because you were tired? Or maybe you needed space? I am crystal clear that the true reason is only known by you, and will never be shared.

All of a sudden, nothing else mattered. My university tutors started to call in about my attendance, my laundry was not done for almost a month, being sober was the hardest thing I had to do. Luckily, I lived in our apartment, and my family did not had to see any of this.  I remember how empty the flat was, with all the furniture in it, it felt like an abandoned place.  Still, I couldn’t leave it all behind. It still felt like home, even if your presence was very rare.

After the fiasco I made out of my life, you called, saying that you’re moving out, so you will come and pack your stuff. I may have possessed the capacity to conceal the tears behind my voice, as my heart began to break into pieces. However, I somehow needed to hide all I have done prior to your visit, so I decided to go sober, two days before. What a good thing to do. So, I put my mask on, and wore it like a real actress. I hope you believed it, as that was one of the hardest day of my life.

 

To be continued…

 

It hurts like nothing before


When you left, my seneses were gone as well. No reaction. For three hours I just stared at the wall next to me. How was that possible? Me without you? How should I start a new life so sudden? Your ignorance hurts more than I could have imagined. We went from sleeping in the same bed to complete strangers the next day. Why? Why punishing me for something you don’t explain? 

Remember our plans? How stubborn we were used to be? Well, I changed my mind. I would do anything you want to do. No matter what, but stay. Just stay. Without you my heart cries everytime. Eight days later and I am still a shadow of myself. Unrecognizible.  My powers are long gone. My sense for living this lonely life doesn’t exist anymore. As I’m empty. Lonely. Weak. Hurt. Doesn’t that bother you? How could you accept this in regards of a person you once loved? 

Past tense, yes. And I still struggle to understand how love can go away within 24 hours. I still struggle to understand what happened, and how it could have been avoided.  A week later, I can say that I know my lesson. I know where I exaggerated and I am ready to take it back. I’m willing to do anything for your love.  As this is what keeps me alive. 

Where does the love go?!

I could see how the night turned into a sunny day, during the hours I spent thinking about you. About us, our memories and promises. Yes you hurt me, and people around me seem to not understand. What I coule hear in the past three days, from you, from them..is just ” it will pass, calm down”. What do you all expect to pass? Time, love, you? Yes, time passes, and with every second I feel worse, worthless and weak. My powers have gone the second you managed to get over me without a clear explanation. I look at our photos and all I could see is love. Two young adults that loved each other unconditionally. Where did the love go? Where does the love go when nothing is left? Could you explain? You seem to be fine; while my stomach rejects the food I try to eat, just to be alive. Nothing matters for me right now, except you. My eyes cried for the past three days no sleep, no power,no you. And I know how much you used to say that I am a good writer, but this is not about writing, this is about laying my heart in words, for you. 

Maybe I was wrong, as I know I made mistakes, but you always promised to stay. Is this the end of our relationship? Or the end of me? I just cannot understand your decision. And every second, every heart beat is passing stronger. I just want you. Your ego, lips, love, anything. But I want you…because time does not heal, is making it worse. And I simply cannot deal with it..