I woke up the next day, knowing that I will finally see you. My last expectation was to persuade you to have a genuine discussion about your aims.What a fool I have been, as always, I thought you will be something that you never were;a man of his word, somebody that could at last assume liability . My mistake, as I thought you were a mature person. Off-base. You just acted like a little boy that takes his toys at the main bother. Can you imagine? That no matter how bad this pains me, I still believe you are the one? Crazy!
As the hours passed, I could feel my heart beating at a faster rate. I felt insecure about the most suitable approach, as my intention was to avoid any conflict. Still, I wanted you to know exactly how I felt, without showing my weakness in your eyes. I wanted you to remember me as a strong woman, undeceived. Wrong. The moment I saw your eyes, I felt the same shake under my feet. Uncontrollable. And yet, there I was, in front of you, hoping for another chance. Ironically, the reason of me begging for another chance, is still unknown.
You looked at me as you would look at a stranger. I guess that is what we were at the end of that evening. But there was hope. I invited you inside, as I smoked the last part of my cigarette, trying to avoid the tears showing up in front of you. My eyes were already red, and I know you were aware of me crying prior to your visit. I still hoped for me to have the mask of a strong woman on my face. Remember how I looked at you like that was the last time? Do you remember how I tried not to kiss you the moment you came inside the house? Remember how tempted I was to hug you, just to feel your breath by my side again? How could you remember if you were cold-blooded?
I must have looked at you for about 10 minutes, until I tried to open a discussion, about you, us. Unsuccessfully, you were at that point tired following a two hour drive, so I needed to surrender.Not to worry, it’s not like I could have slept on that night. You might forget, but after you decided to sleep into the guest room, I followed you two hours later, I wanted to feel wanted and loved by you…at least one more time. Ha, what a fool! I’m still wondering if you know what love is, if you know that your actions can hurt people alongside you.
I remember your words that night, they were meaningless. I starred at you and tried to see if that was another act of yours. What a good actor you have been. Remember I asked you to say it to my face you don’t love me? Why did you look away? Why did you lied? Was that part of your ego? Did that made you feel more like a man? Congratulations, it made you look like a professional actor, and I still believe the Oscar should go to you. The person that played an important role in my life. The one I slept next to that night and felt alone. I cherished every second next to you, every moment I wanted it to last forever. If there was a pill or a way to stop the time, I would have done it. Because that was the last time, I felt your warmth.
The moment you hugged me, I knew there are feelings left. However, something or someone made you do this. Why give up on someone you pretend to love? Because you want me to ” find someone better? No way, I’m not a five-year old, that believes the ice-cream is better at the ice-truck than at the corner shop. Stop pretending you are the mature one, can’t you see how childish you became?
I remember how I tried to not fall asleep, just to make every second matter. I remember how I woke up before you, just to be able to cry before you wake up. I needed time with myself, because from that moment on, I knew I was alone. I knew something changed, even if the reason remained unknown. I must have sat at the dinning table for about 20 minutes, trying to remember the previous night. Trying to find excuses for your attitude. Was is because of your work? Family pressure? Oh, maybe your university finals? It could have been anything. .What’s more, anything you would have stated, it could have been the best reason for this break-up. Rather, you chose to leave similarly as you came. Suddenly.
To be continued…