Chapter 3 : The beginning of an end


 Lost and confused about our status, I tried to make myself clear that our relationship deserves another chance. I somehow felt the need to try one more time.  I remember how hopeless I starred into your green eyes, trying to understand what  you can possibly think about me, about this situation. All I could notice was a cold-hearted person, that wanted  me out of his way.

Hurt, that’s what I’ve done. I left the living room, and went into our  bedroom, trying to hide my tears which dropped down half-way out. I tried to understand all your actions and I’ve analysed them with the maximum attention and criticism. Useless. As much as I wanted you to follow me, you just ignored and let me be. How can this change happen so sudden?

I asked you once more, if you want a serious conversation. I was already aware of your denial of facing the reality, I just wanted to have some peace with myself; a last hope that I tried . Is not like you could have seen all this efforts. And yet, I have tried, hoping for a better outcome.

Hours have passed and your relatives came to help you pack your stuff. At the end of the day, that was the main scope of this visit; you moving out. So, again, my happy mask was on, trying to hide every sign of suffering that was already settled on my face. My eyes were already tired and the dark circles made their presence more than visible.  Can you remember how difficult it was for us when we moved in? Can you remember that every piece of furniture, every little detail was built by us?  I doubt it.  We build everything together, and now you seek assistance to move out? Why not be a real man? Why not moving out  with a mature attitude? Is this too much for you? During the past period, you never wanted to sit down and properly discuss this situation. No, I did not wanted us to get back together. I only wanted you to take responsibility for this break-up, I wanted you to be able to explain  the reasons. In this way, I could have made peace with myself. I could have be over this break up easier, without having to ask myself every night what went wrong between us. Until now, you  only saw  your way out of this situation, without thinking that you may give up on someone that saw the perfect you, someone that loved you unconditionally.

We started to pack your stuff, and  I could barely hide my tears.  You may have asked me several times to stop crying. Who cared? Those were the moments when I showed my weakness. I have not done it to impress you. I have not done it to make you change your mind. I’ve done it for myself. I wanted my tears out, so I could breathe. This is something you will never understand, as you never cared. You never thought of anyone else but yourself. Always putting yourself first. Oh yes, you should always be the protected one. I’m not judging,  I just respect the way you are; I might be a bit jealous because I’m not as selfish as you are.  I always put other first, that’s why I suffer the most. I let me down, for the sake of others.

Packing, I imagined how easy this situation should be for you. Are your horizons now opening up? Is this separation  freedom for you ? So many unspoken questions, for  the fear of losing more than I  have already lost you. I looked into your eyes, and for the first time since I met you, I saw nothing. You looked empty, unreadable.

I suppose, that was the beginning to an end. Since that moment, I felt empty. Lost. Yes, you have been the one for me. You have been the one I opened up to, and I gave myself to you completely.   I thought we were eternal. I thought we will fight it ’till the end.  What a fool I’ve been to believe we are such a special couple. I guess we were only two youngsters, trying to understand how to love. Sadly,  we failed at that.

Shocked by how this visit happened, I tried to distance myself from you. Imagine how difficult it was for me. I watched you go, and I knew that was your last time in our house. The last time I watched you cooking, the last time I watched you sleep. The last time you held me into your arms… the last time for us.

To be continued…

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